PARENTING
5 Tips to Use Praises Effectively
Praises when used effectively, can have powerful positive effects on children. This reinforces the “praised” behaviour and builds a positive self-esteem in the child. However, for praises to work, we need to go beyond “well done”, “good job”, or “you are so smart”.
Here are 5 tips to use praises effectively:
01
PRAISE SINCERELY AND HONESTLY
Praises that are inconsistent with the child’s self-view will be considered as insincere. It is detrimental to the child and can bring about self-criticism. Eg: Instead of saying “What an angel!”, say “It’s generous of you to share the ice cream!”
02
BE SPECIFIC AND DESCRIPTIVE
Point out a specific aspect of the child’s behaviour that led to the positive outcome. This kind of praises shows that you have paid attention and really care. Eg: Instead of saying “that’s pretty!”, say “I like the way you used different colours on your painting.”
03
PRAISE THE EFFORT AND
PROCESS, NOT THE ABILITY
When children are praised for their efforts, they attribute their success to the efforts invested. This focus on effort encourages the child to continue practising and improving skills. This builds resilience in children. E.g. instead of “What a clever kid!”, say “the way you solve this puzzle was really clever.”
04
AVOID “MANIPULATING” PRAISE
This kind of praises is dependent on good results or performances. A child’s self-worth is inevitably dependent on the results. This kind of praising steer the child towards performing according to the praised results. Child will become less self-directing and prefers conformity. Eg: Instead of saying “Good job! I bet you can do get an A next time!”, say “I like how you have worked hard to get the B grade on your essay.”
05
AVOID COMPARISON PRAISE
No one likes to be compared with our peers. It affects the child’s relationship with their peers. This kind of praises teaches the child that winning is the only goal – relationship and the learning process are not important. Eg: Instead of saying “You are smarter than your brother!”, say “You solved the problem with such greatfocus!”
That being said, over-praising your child conditions your child to expect praises every time. This is counterproductive because their motivation to learning becomes extrinsic. This will not be helpful especially when they enter the workforce. After all, no boss is going to praise his employees all the time.Praise is a two-legged sword. Use praise properly and it can a powerful motivating force and learning tool.
For parents who are new to praising, try this: I like how (…adjective…) you are when you (…behaviour…), I am so (… emotions…)
E.g. I like how diligent you are when you put away your toys every time, I am so proud of you son!